Terrified (again)

straight down

Feels like I’m standing at the edge of a precipice. Scared to take a step back and start over. Terrified to move forward and slip off.

So what happened?

It’s been three weeks since I’ve run. I thought I had a handle on it and was in a good place. I did a 10K my last weekend running. I was just starting to learn how to breathe. Staying the course should have been a no-brainer. And yet, here I am, sitting on my sofa, typing away, wondering how three weeks have gone by so easily without me lacing up.

But they were busy weeks. (I don’t mind reasoning with myself.) Lots of change at work. Many early mornings and a few late nights. A five-day trip to Chicago. Mom visiting from out of town. Signing a new lease. Planning, packing, and purging for the move. But if I’m honest with myself, I can’t discount good old-fashioned laziness in just gearing up and getting out there on my part.

In all honestly, I’m scared to find out how much fitness I’ve lost in these past three weeks. Terrified in fact. I actually wonder if that’s what’s keeping me from restarting. The beginning was so hard.

Now I’m simply running out of time. CARA already kicked off their first long run last weekend. Although official training doesn’t start until mid-June, they’re running together now. And I’m sitting on the couch terrified to get started again.

If it wasn’t for the promise I made to my friends and family, I’d give up now while I’m ahead. Before I go through all of the pain, effort, time, and training to prepare myself to run 26.2 miles. Not to mention, I committed to raise $1,000 for the LUNGevity Foundation in honor (and memory) of my grandmother. Wait, that’s it. She’s the reason I’m doing this. Come to think of it, I couldn’t dream up a better reason to do this. This money will benefit others diagnosed and not-yet-diagnosed with lung cancer. It could be one of my charity dollars that helps find a cure. Now that’s inspiring.

So there it is. I’m still scared, but I have to get back to running. I need to do this. One way or another, I’ll find a way even if it’s only a mile. Tomorrow, I start again.


Photograph © Sherry Keating taken in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil

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